PriorBlog

More on my scam baiting. You’ll recall in our last episode that I asked “Ang Chee Ho” some personal questions in order to get to know him better. Well, he’s too busy to get involved in that nonsense.

Dear Frances,
Thank you for your thoughtful mail,but you must know that i am a very busy man and i might not have time to answer such question,i seriously work all day to attend to people so do make sure when you writting you are talking about business which is why i am here.I did send to you a document for you to sign,you did not mention a word about it,instead asking other question. Please do know that this is a serious business and as such we need you to be more serious with us.Please do sign the MOU and get back to me at once,no time to watse.
Thanks
Angchee.

He’s all bent out of shape about the “MOU”, and yet, the truth is, he hadn’t even sent it yet. I guess he was too busy. Anyhow, in my inbox, about three minutes after this email was sent, there was the email with the MOU. I responded in kind:

Hi Ang Chee!

I understand completely. Maybe a little later, when
our rocketship takes us to planet Millionaire together
(fingers crossed) we will have the time to chat about
those questions and many others. I am sure that there
will be a company outting in the near future in which
we can do other things besides discuss Solenoids all
the time. I sometimes like to imagine this future get
together as taking place on a beach with warm water
lapping up against our ankles, you and I basking in
the sunshine, awash in the warm sea and COLD HARD
CASH!! LOL! Haha. But that is the future and now is
TIME FOR SOME HARD WORK. TIME FOR OLD FRANCES TO
FOCUS LIKE A RED HOT LAZER IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT ON
MAKING MONEY!! I am ready to rub my nose on the
grindstone. It’s time to get nasty, it’s time to get
ugly, put on my butt-kicking shoes and make some
dough, baby! …and collect my 10%!!

Boo-YA!!

Please see my contract attached.

Ready to Rumble,

Frances Luzzern

Oh uh, this looks like a real person. And I can’t seem to find any evidence of photoshopping anywhere on this passport or whatever the hell it is. Maybe I really do have a new job and this whole thing is legit.

“We do sincerely hope to have a good working relationship with you as this transaction is 100% risk free and fully based on trust and honesty.”

Yeah, trust and honesty.

Speaking of which, here is my response to this bozo. Note how I aim for personal details at the end. My goal is to get the scammer to indulge in a game of one-ups-manship (or whatever). I want to get him to begin creating a more fully roundabout fictitious identity than he needs to.

Hello Ang Chee Ho!!

I am so excited about the prospect of working with
you. I must say that I was surprised that you looked
so young in the photo id. I thought you would be much
older, but that only goes to show how smart you are to
have risen through the ranks of the Solenoid Industry
like a rocket, like a firey blazing rocket taking
Frances Luzzern to a new and glorious career. Me and
you, kid (cause that’s what you look like, a little
kid), we’re going places together and we are going to
make BIG MONEY!! I’ll bet you anything you’ve never
met as hard working a woman as me. Send me those
clients pronto, Tonto, and let’s get to work!!

One weird thing about working with you and not meeting
you in person is that I feel a little like I need to
get to know you better and that you need to know me
better so we can learn and grow with each other.

Here is a little interview. First I will answer the
questions, and then you can respond to the questions
with your own answers!! Awesome.

What is your favorite color? Medallion

Who are your friends? Coby and Toby, Milan and
Frederick III

Do you have a boy/girlfriend? Not presently, but I do
know a cute man from Singapore (teehee!!)

Do you think there is life on other planets? Yes, I
believe it is a lot like in the movie Planet of the
Apes, which was a movie made to prepare us for the
eventaul interplanetary war with them.

Do you believe in Jesus? Hell Yes!! LOL!!!

Best Regards,
Frances

More Scam baiting for you.

First the blah blah blah:

> PLEASE CAREFULLY READ.
> contact email: solenoid_info1@yahoo.com.my > > Dear Sir/Madam, > >
I am Mr.Ang Chee Ho, pulicity secretary of SOLENOID INDUSTRY Malaysia. I
> am > here to bring to your notice a Job offer which I know it will be
of great > interest to you, I am the publicity Officer of the solenoid
industry one > of the > biggest and leading machinery, Arts and Craft
Company in Malaysia.
> Presently,
> we are running out of Finance due to the high volume
of money
(running in
> Millions of US dollars) that some companies in
Europe North and South

> America
> owed to our Company, we have confronted these
companies and the
company in
> question has agreed to begin installmental payment
through you to us.
>
> Right now we do not have international licence to
operate in your
Country
> so
> Our Company CEO has said that we employ agent in
this
> Countries/jurisdiction
> who will represent our Company and help us in the
collection of this
> outstanding bills. As the publicity Officer I was
giving the
> responsibility to
> employ agents in these Countries areas so they can
help in the
collection
> of
> the funds.
>
> Note: that this is not a money laundering operation
and will not
breach
> the
> law, Each funds transfer will be in due process to
follow your
Country
> laws and
> taxes will be deducted from our part of the funds.
>
> If this proposal is accepted by you, A swift
acknowledgement on the
> receipt of
> this mail will be appreciated, furnishing me with
your fullest
contact
> address.
>
> 1. Your Name:………….
> 2. Your full contact Address:……….
> 3. Marital Status:………
> 4. Office Address:………..
> 5. Your Telephone Number and/or Fax:……..
> 6. State/Country:………
>
> For further correspondence please contact us via our
E-MAIL ADDRESS:
> solenoid_info1@yahoo.com.my > > Thanks In advance > >
Mr.Ang Chee Ho. > PUBLICITY SEC. > SOLENOID INDUSTRY. >
IMPORT./EXPORT. CORP. > 6,Jalan Batu Kapur 2 Taman Kok >
Lian Jalan Ipoh Batu 5 > 51200 Kuala Lumpur > Malaysia.
> 

Here is my first response:

Hello Mr. Ang Chee Ho,

I would love to assist you in this endeavor.  I am a
good worker and will do whatever it takes to help my
fellow employees achieve absolute potential.
Currently I am a dog walker, but I do know how to
type, and I think dog walking, is good for learning
how to handle stress.  Do you have any dogs?

> > 1. Your Name: Frances Luzzern
> > 2. Your full contact Address: 10 Orchard St.,
Jamaica Plain, MA 02132 > > 3. Marital Status: Single (but looking!!  LOL)
> > 4. Office Address: work from home > >
5. Your Telephone Number and/or Fax:781-xxx-xxxx (note: it was my old work’s number)
> > 6. State/Country: USA (winner of the last ten
olympics in a row I am proud to say!!)

I would love to hear back from you regarding this
utterly stunning opportunity!

Kindly,

Frances

He responds with a boiler plate, which among other barely intelligible paragraphs includes this one which I found interesting:

“Please be adviced that we will have to begin the necessary process of approving you as our agent/partner on our receipt of your understanding and your sincere abilities. Upon receipt of your mail we will inform you on the next step to follow as regards our approval for you to being our representative.I will send you my fullest Identity on my next mail to you so that you can know me more atleast via International passport.”

Not wanting to miss out on this guy’s “fullest identity” I responded in kind with the image above as driver’s license:

Hello Ang Chee Ho,

Please find attached my driver’s license.  I really
hope that I can get this job because it sounds like a
truly AMAZING experience.  The Solenoid industry has
always fascinated me since I was a little girl.  To be
able to take part in it would generate a tremendous
feeling in my tummy not unlike that feeling one gets
on a roller coaster!!  LOL!

Here is my address:

1077 Elm Street Avenue
ABQ, NM 87105

But beyond that, I am hoping that when the day is
done, when you have reaped the muched earned monetary
rewards from your customers thanks in no small part to
the hard work of a special little American lady named
Frances Luzzern, that we will become more than just
colleagues, but friends.  I am looking forward to
seeing your “fullest identity.”

Yours,

Frances

PS:  I CAN’T WAIT TO WORK WITH THIS AWESOME COMPANY!!!
:)

This guy is still being strung along, so I can promise you at least another two or three emails back and forth. Hopefully this will go on for a while.

You’ll recall that last week I feared being mugged by somebody whose odd characteristics were a result not of criminal intent but profound retardation. That incident may have put a devil-may-care spring into my step, or at least into my drunken stumbling. The other night after catching Kason Gabbard’s three hitter at Fenway, I took advantage of the quick game to spend some more time having fun. I called my buddy Clark Johnsen, yes, the Clark Johnsen, and told him to meet me at the Behan. It’s hard to get Clark out to the bar, I think because he has about a seven year supply of beer at his house.* But, for whatever reason, he fell into the spontaneity of the trip and next thing I know he’s telling me to call him when I get off the train at Jackson Square. Which I did. And no sooner had I flipped closed my phone when I was beseeched from the shadows of the Heath Street Projects. “Hey, Whitey.” I almost laughed. Whitey. I can see “White Boy” or “Cracker” or something, but “Whitey?” Anyhow, this kid, must have been fifteen tops, was bugging Whitey for thirty cents. “Hey, Whitey! I said, hey Whitey! Get back here, Whitey!” Two weeks ago it was twleve dollars, today it’s thirty cents. This would make for a fascinating chart on page B16 of the Wall Street Journal. Anyhow, I keep walking when I get the much dreaded “Give me thirty cents or I’ll kill you.”

Some points to consider:

1. This was on Centre Street right near the Stop and Shop. The train had just let out and there were people everywhere.

2. He was about twenty yards away from me when he started with the death threats.

3. Didn’t see him too closely, but from what I did see, he probably wasn’t carrying anything more lethal than a spoon.

4. Immediately after this whole exchange ended with my bemusedly remarking that he was quite free to kill me if he wanted to, he bumped into somebody he knew. His demeanor changed as though wired to a light switch. There were smiles, hey howya’ beens.

Can you imagined if I had reported this incident to my friend the New Jack City soundtrack listening cop? Come to think of it, I should have. That guy is an unwitting treasure trove of hilarity, and I just leave him sitting in those barracks all alone, another of the vast untapped cultural resources in this wonderful city. One has to wonder, if I had gone running to him, and feigned being shaken, would he have been able to hold back, or would he have called me a sissy.

I am tempted to visit him and act out such a situation, maybe put it on youtube.

cop calls mugging victim “sissy” 1:44

*Not a joke.

As you might have guessed, I eventually scared off that 419 scammer. Here is my last letter to him, written by my “pilot”, who, as you might recall, was going to fly me into Bangkok from Singapore:

To: Waleed Babiker:

Sir, attention, sir. I will be flying my plane into Thai territory on July 4, and will need you to forward to me clearance from the Thai authorities immediately. Attention, sir. This is very important. Without clearance I run the risk of having SAMs fired at me as soon as we cross the border. For your information, sir, I was an ace in the Pakistani Air Force. During one raid on Srinagar I shot down three enemy planes. I am not to be taken lightly in a combat situation! Please warn the Thai authorities, that if they fire their SAMs at me I will retaliate, and I will destroy their batteries. There will be pain and destruction for miles. I would highly advise you to advise the Thai authorites to advise the generals on their borders to advise the commanders of the SAM batteries to not fire upon my plane, the Rose of Punjab, lest they run the risk of a swath of devestation greater than they might ever imagine! Sir, this is of the utmost importance! A man never retires from battle, this much I can assure you. When it comes to force I am an old master, like one with chess pieces only my pawns are men. I have no fear of spilt blood, as this is what makes for a brave soldier. You tell this to your border gunners, you let them know. Please email me confirmation from the Thai authorities in English or Urdu, or run the risk of total war!

Sincerely,
Sgt. Major Cecil Choudhary

We’ll try it all again when I get another one in my mailbox.

I was shocked and dismayed that LaRussa left Pujols on the bench last night.  What the hell was he thinking?  Last year in the play offs and world series the games seemed to take forever because LaRussa had to sub for every other guy after the sixth inning.  He manages the all star team and suddenly he can’t find a way to get Albert freaking Pujols into the game.  What the hell kind of all star game doesn’t have Albert Pujols in it?!?

Now the Phils won’t have home field advantage in the World Series.

Last night, my wife had me go out and buy her a bunch junk food at the grocery store. I got ice cream bars, Rice Krispie treats, the works. Towards the very end of the ride home, I noticed an large aggrevated looking fellow limping in the middle of the road. It’s not like there aren’t sidewalks, bub. Anyways, pretty much as soon as I got out of the car, who comes walking up to me but this guy, who was very sweaty by the way, asking me for twelve dollars because he was hungry.

As you probably all know, I’ve been mugged a lot, and as somebody who’s been mugged, when some bg guy ambles up to me asking for anything over a dollar, it’s time to be on guard. It’s tempting for me to say that I outsmarted the mugger, but the fact of the matter is, I merely compromised with him, and in retrospect, considering the outcome of the situation, I am pretty sure he was severely mentally ill.

It turns out that I didn’t have any cash on me anyways, thanks in part to Bank of America’s ability to filch two hundred bucks from me for a minor budgetary mistake. In my book Bank of America currently ranks just below UPS for idiotic, lying, cheating, corporate monsters. You heard me. Monsters. Still haven’t seen that bike UPS lost. Way to go, guys. You’re only a month late. But back to the retarded mugger.

Yeah, so the guy is bugging me about money, and since I don’t have any money on me, I say, aw sorry man, I just had to use my bank card because I don’t have any cash on me. Feel free to cut and paste this line in any type of awkward feel sorry for me scam, the likes of which take on the following forms:

1. “Hey man, I’m not a bum, I hate to ask you this, but my car broke down and I just need $10 to get a cab, I can’t believe I have to do something like this.”

2. “Excuse me, sir, my girl and I just kicked me out of the car because we got in a fight. I don’t have my wallet on me, and I am not from around here, do you got $10 so I can get a cab?”

or, the one I got the other night, which was something along the lines of:

3. “I am lost and hungry, and I need twelve dollars to get something to eat.”

Not to mention very sweaty, limping, and missing a handful of teeth.  But I digress.  My not having any money kind of deflated the guy, who none the less, remained standing around me.  And since I had my hands full with bags of groceries, which made my face any easy unprotected target for a quick nose breaking jab, I offered him some Rice Krispie treats.  I offered him a whole box, actually, because I just wanted to get rid of him.  He did say he was really hungry right.

This really threw him for a loop.

“You sure you want to give me the whole box?”

I ended up giving him three Rice Krispie treats, and I think he was pretty stoked.

After sending Waleed all of “my” personal information, I got this somewhat curious response from him:

Your information and drivers license have noted ok and i have already attached it to your winning file.
Meanwhile, since you are not enough ok, I suggest you choose a transfer option to transfer your winning prize (US$500,000) direct to your account in USA by swift transfer without you coming to Thailand.
If the idea is good and ok for you let me know so i will move process for transfer in your favour.

Awaiting your early respond,

Mr. Waleed Babiker.

NOTICE: Pls noted the winning claim process was written,pasted and signed officialy,no compromise or deducted.

Who knows what that last line is supposed to me. What surprises me is that he suggests I just take $500,000 instead of the $5,000,000 I was initially promised. I noted this in my response, and pressed him to meet me in Bangkok:

Hello Waleed,

I’m stumped (in more ways than one). What do you mean when you say that I am “not enough ok.” I think I would be better off travelling to Thailand, because that prize is $5,000,000, whereas the transfer, while simple, is only for $500,000. Thats a $4,500,000 difference. Thats a whole year of playing third base for the San Diego Padres. No way would I turn down that money just because I had to go to Thailand to get it!

Trust me, for that much money I would live in Thailand for a few years, much less make a short visit there. So lets make arrangements to meet in Bangkok. What day is good for you?

David

Waleed then responded that he would be waiting for the details of my flight. Now at this point, it’s tempting to get lazy and just get a flight number and arrival time and fire it off to Waleed. Then, when the big day comes, you can kind of hope he’s there waiting, and you can laugh to yourself about this, but doing so lacks creativity, and while it can be harmful to the scammer, it isn’t so without a requisite amount of confusion to, you know, spice things up a little. So, instead of just sending him a flight number, let’s introduce a new character into the mix, Pakistani fighter jet hero, Cecil Choudhary!

Hello Waleed,

The flights out of Boston to Bangkok require me to wait through several layovers and staging points all across the globe. This is fine for regular passengers, but when you only have one foot, it is difficult to shift your weight around during uncomfortable hours in an airport if you cannot get a seat in the waiting area. To solve this problem, I was able to get a non-stop flight to Singapore, where a pilot friend of mine (a former liaison officer inPakistani Air Force) owns a plane.  He will be flying me from Singapore’s Changi airport into Bangkok’s Don Muangon July4th. We will be leaving at 3 p.m. and arriving around 5 p.m..

Please note, and this is of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE, neither my Pakistani friend or myself know a single word of the Thai language. We therefore, in order to NOT HAVE OUR PLANE SHOT DOWN when we enter Thai airspace, need you to CONVEY to the Thai authorities the following important information:

Type of Plane: Citation X
Certification: FAA FAR Part 25, Amendment 74, Certification 3
Speed: 590 mph
Altitude when crossing the Border: 12000ft.
Length: 72.3 ft (22.0 m)
Wingspan: 63.6 ft (19.4 m)
Planes Exterior Markings: Green with Blue Trim. Left side of Fuselage Reads “The Rose of Punjab” beneath an image of an alluring young woman wearing standard issue Pakistani army fatigues.
Pilot: Cpt. Cecil Choudhary
Passenger: David Prior*
Munitions: Captain Choudhary’s Tokarev Model TT-30 pistol (for personal protection only!)

*note: this man is missing a foot.

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME with permission from the airport as soon as possible as well as letting us know WHICH RUNWAY to set down on. I realize that this is extra work for you and I apologize for that. I promise you that when we meet I will reward you handsomely for your extra trouble. Speaking of which, do you know if they have ice cream in Thailand?

Sincerely,
David Prior

We’re almost caught up to real time with this thing now. Tomorrow, Pakistan’s version of the Great Santini contacts Waleed.

So… still waiting for the bike.  However, I can’t blame the dude from Texas who sold it to me.  If anything, he’s been pretty helpful.  The problem is UPS was a little off with their precision guided delivery systems.  Considering that Houston, Texas is about a four hour flight from where I live, I guess I can’t fault them for being only 22.3 miles off.  I found out they delivered the bike to Antron Engineering in Bellingham, MA.  You can even see the building my bike is housed at if you scroll down, assuming of course that some engineer isn’t taking it out for a spin.  My guy in Texas spoke with UPS on Tuesday and they said that they realized they had made a mistake and that they would go and get it the next day and deliver it to my house.  Well, it’s currently 9:10pm on Thursday and I still don’t have my bike.  To my mind, one of two things has happened here:

1.) UPS is slacking off, and not following up on what they said they would do.

2.) UPS went to Antron Engineering, and AE said they didn’t know where the package was and after the brown van drove away some engineer or mailroom person took my bike for a spin.

If I don’t get a satisfactory update from UPS tomorrow, I am going to contact Antron myself tomorrow.  That should prove interesting.

Got a fish on the hook.

I have been having a fun time with a 419 scam artist. I am currently about four or five exchanges in with this guy from god knows where, so I figure the relationship is advanced enough that I can start posting the exchanges here for everybody’s entertainment. I won’t post the full text of the email I received about winning the THE ISLAMIC EMAILS INTERCONTINENTAL LOTTERY, but it’s linked if you really want to see it. Here are my initial responses.

Hello Waleed,

Before we proceed any further, I have to be honest. I am not a Muslim. Does the Koran allow for Kaffirs to win something like THE ISLAMIC EMAILS INTERCONTINENTAL LOTTERY? I would hate to:

a. get my hopes up
b. find out I wasn’t qualified to win

c. offend somebody of a different religion

d. waste your time

That said, I would be interested in converting to get the money, if that’s ok. Again, I don’t know if a conversion after hitting the lottery would be viewed in the same light as say somebody converting after visiting a mosque for the first time or something like that, but if you wanted, you could send me a Koran and I could learn all I need to in order to pass the test and get the cash. I realize that it would cost you some money to get the Koran to me from overseas, but once I got the cash from the winnings, I would definitely pay you back and then some.

Keep me posted.

Sincerely,

David Prior

Turns out non-Muslims can win the Islamic lottery! There were only a few details to be ironed out, in particular: “Be informed that you will be requested to send a scanned copy of your Identification such as your international passport or National id Card or drivers license for full identication to aviod false claim.
Moreso ,you are to make your trip to Bangkok, Thailand for the claiming of your winning prize in person.”

That’s okay by me. At this point in dealing with these guys I like to add some type of an affliction, in this case I decided to cut off a foot. I do this to see how low they’ll go. It’s one thing to try and rip off some first world white guy, it’s another to try and take advantage of a handicapped person. For the same reason, when you get phone calls from particuarily sketchy telemarketers, especially the ones that lead off with a recorded message, always act retarded with these people once you dial “0″ for operator, and give fake credit card numbers. Their persistence is almost as amazing as how they have absolutely no regard for who they are fleecing. But anyhow, my responses to Waleed’s request for information follow:

Hello Waleed,

Excellent!! I am very excited to hear about these details! I am at work right now, so I am unable to get to my scanner, but i will be able to furnish you with that when I get home tonight, along with all of my other personal details.

In the meantime, I would like to begin making arrangements for my flight. What day and time do you want to meet in Bangkok? Do you want to meet me in the airport? Which airport is better, Suvarnabhumi or Don Muang?

Sorry to pepper you with questions, but obviously I am very excited about this. A few years back I lost one of my feet in an accident and the doctor told me it would cost at least $300,000 to pay for the potion to grow a new one. Now, thanks to this good fortune, I shall be able to walk again. May Allah shine His light upon you and the Islamic Inter-Continental E-mail lottery!!

Sincerely,

David Prior

Later, I sent him my driver’s license along with my “information.”

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s installment. Here is a sneak preview:

“Plane’s Exterior Markings: Green with Blue Trim. Left side of Fuselage Reads “The Rose of Punjab” beneath an image of an alluring young woman wearing standard issue Pakistani army fatigues.”

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