Almost got mugged
Last night, my wife had me go out and buy her a bunch junk food at the grocery store. I got ice cream bars, Rice Krispie treats, the works. Towards the very end of the ride home, I noticed an large aggrevated looking fellow limping in the middle of the road. It’s not like there aren’t sidewalks, bub. Anyways, pretty much as soon as I got out of the car, who comes walking up to me but this guy, who was very sweaty by the way, asking me for twelve dollars because he was hungry.
As you probably all know, I’ve been mugged a lot, and as somebody who’s been mugged, when some bg guy ambles up to me asking for anything over a dollar, it’s time to be on guard. It’s tempting for me to say that I outsmarted the mugger, but the fact of the matter is, I merely compromised with him, and in retrospect, considering the outcome of the situation, I am pretty sure he was severely mentally ill.
It turns out that I didn’t have any cash on me anyways, thanks in part to Bank of America’s ability to filch two hundred bucks from me for a minor budgetary mistake. In my book Bank of America currently ranks just below UPS for idiotic, lying, cheating, corporate monsters. You heard me. Monsters. Still haven’t seen that bike UPS lost. Way to go, guys. You’re only a month late. But back to the retarded mugger.
Yeah, so the guy is bugging me about money, and since I don’t have any money on me, I say, aw sorry man, I just had to use my bank card because I don’t have any cash on me. Feel free to cut and paste this line in any type of awkward feel sorry for me scam, the likes of which take on the following forms:
1. “Hey man, I’m not a bum, I hate to ask you this, but my car broke down and I just need $10 to get a cab, I can’t believe I have to do something like this.”
2. “Excuse me, sir, my girl and I just kicked me out of the car because we got in a fight. I don’t have my wallet on me, and I am not from around here, do you got $10 so I can get a cab?”
or, the one I got the other night, which was something along the lines of:
3. “I am lost and hungry, and I need twelve dollars to get something to eat.”
Not to mention very sweaty, limping, and missing a handful of teeth. But I digress. My not having any money kind of deflated the guy, who none the less, remained standing around me. And since I had my hands full with bags of groceries, which made my face any easy unprotected target for a quick nose breaking jab, I offered him some Rice Krispie treats. I offered him a whole box, actually, because I just wanted to get rid of him. He did say he was really hungry right.
This really threw him for a loop.
“You sure you want to give me the whole box?”
I ended up giving him three Rice Krispie treats, and I think he was pretty stoked.