I have some very happy news to report about my wife. I have come up with a new name for her, and not only that, it is going to garner more than a few interesting google hits to my site. Here’s how it all works. Originally she asked me to change her name to prevent people from stalking her. Never mind that I constantly tell her she is beautiful, to which she sorrowfully replies “nobody is attracted to me but you.” However, when it comes to the internet she’s worried about stalkers, which only proves that I am right, because if she wasn’t pretty she’d be worried about Charlie Weis’ cosmetic surgeons finding her. So, I changed her name to Bambi Lundquist, which I thought was a great name, and it was for a few weeks.
Until she visited the site, that is. Like I mentioned before, I have to change her name again, and this time I have opted for something that will not only please my wife, but drive up hits to my website. Her new name is Ali, which, unlike Bambi, is a nice name, heard often among the best of society.
Q: But Prior, how’s that name going to drive up hits to your website?
A: Quite simple, reader (note: singular number), her last name is going to be Larijani. When you put the names together what do you get? Ali Larijani, that globe trotting nuclear negotiator guy from Iran who is always in the papers.
Q: But Prior, Ali Larijani is all over the world wide web, your site is going to be so far down the list that nobody will see it.
A: Yes, Ali Larijani is on a ton of websites (679,000 today), but they are all serious sites. Supposing somebody does the google search “Ali Larijani” farts. Of course, I know better than to write about my wife farting. She doesn’t fart anyway. It’s the way the search engine reads the pages, a fart placed here followed be an Ali Larinjani placed there and — voilà— I’m on top of the heap.
Q: I have no further questions. This is a completely brilliant idea.
No kidding. You just know that somewhere along the line— he’s only human after all— during one of those endless meetings that go something to the tune of “please don’t use nuclear power,” “no,” “come on…” “no,” at some point Ali Larinjani is going to have to crack one, if he hasn’t already. Whether or not he can pull it off without making a sound doesn’t really matter, as everybody in the room will smell it, and, since everybody relies on the internet for information these days, instead of relying on the traditional, but fallible, “whoever smelt it, dealt it” they’ll google it, their suspicions leading them to type the quotation above.
What am I suggesting? I am suggeting that the views and opinions expressed here are the future views and opinions of nuclear negotiators the world over.
Bambi is a boy’s name, whereas Ali is a farcey name.