PriorBlog

I have some very sad news. ESPN2 is no longer available on my teevee for some reason. This place will no longer be a hot spot for those of you looking to find out about college basketball. Not that I was ever an authority on the subject. Oh well, we’ll always have Paris.  Biko Paris, that is.

Sorry for not posting for a few days.  Been busy shadowing a toddler, trying to come up with positive ways to say, “don’t touch that.”

You have to be positive, only using “no” in extreme circumstances, lest you end up with a kid with low self-esteem.

• “Don’t you have better things to do than touching that?”
• “The dog looks prettier with a tail.”
• “Those Cheerios would taste better if you ate them out of a bowl instead of off the bathroom floor.”

Once the toddler figures out sarcasm, or passive aggression, or whatever the hell the above is, then we’re in trouble. The best part of my time spent with the toddler was when she started saying “Ozzie” the other day.  I thought she was saying “Ezzy,” her name for the dog, but she was pointing up and over my shoulder.  When I turned around, I saw my Ozzie Smith baseball card that I had previously wedged into the living room doorframe for decoration.

I went to a funeral today. The guy who died had lung cancer. In the parking lot outside the church, one of the attendees was smoking a cigarette. I was already in a bad mood, but this only deepened my funk. It was a Catholic mass as well, and people who were not practicing Catholics were taking communion. I always get bent out of shape over this issue.  Today was no exception. I’m not even Catholic, but sometimes, if the vestments are fancy enough, and the mass said with just the right amount of incense and ceremonial oomph, I can really sit back and enjoy a good transubstantiation. Obviously, a lot depends on the priest. If he looks goofy, too old, too young, forget about it. A lot also depends on the flock, though.  Without the proper reverent attitude, there’s no corresponding powerful feeling of God entering the room. Not that I believe in God or anything, but most people that watch the X-Files didn’t believe in paranormal phenomena, or at least not new paranormal phenomena every week. Same deal here.  I just want to enjoy the experience.

Last time I was in church before today was for a wedding. No sense of the super-sensible then either because the priest asked for prayers that the homo’s wouldn’t ruin the marriage he was about to consecrate.

One more thing, I think the mass would be more inviolable if people had to wear a certain type of uniform or garment.  It’s hard to find yourself immersed in holiness when people are wearing New England Patriots jackets.